Restrained Mirth: Man’s Clashes amongst the Animal Kingdom

Part 1: Procyon Lotor

by Tony Ertel

I am yesteryear no way an beast expert, but I, similar every other human am intrigued yesteryear as well as notice some enjoyment inward the multifariousness as well as even out strangeness of God’s creation. Whether observing animals inward the wild or perusing a Wikipedia entry, it’s all I tin give notice create to conk along from exclaiming, “That’s pretty neat.”

My most recent involvement concerns the Procyon lotor, ordinarily known every bit the raccoon. For the longest fourth dimension I kept my distance from these curious beasts, getting exclusively slightly to a greater extent than personal on 2 occasions. My get-go run into came during my teenage years; it was the shortest as well as most dramatic miming I

take hold e'er witnessed. H5N1 windy province route inward the middle of the nighttime is a foreign selection for a “street performance.” And every bit I was moving pretty chop-chop (maybe 50 mph), I didn’t acquire to choose grip of much of the show. My exclusively electrical charge was that it ended amongst a bang; I expected that the whole affair would last silent. Anyway, I haven’t seen that surgery again.

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My 2d closed run into came years subsequently inward a cemetery. Most people wouldn’t believe me, but I genuinely was the victim of a raccoon hit-and-run. At the fourth dimension it was funny (and quite shocking), but at ane time looking dorsum on the incident, I wonder if I should take hold started my inquiry as well as commenced preparations for World War C or Planet of the Coons. I at ane time wonder if these scientific discipline fiction scenarios of the yesteryear may last realities of the close future. I take hold 2 to a greater extent than recent accounts leading me to fearfulness the worst.

Only 2 months agone I was a naïve as well as nature-loving guy. When my woman parent shouted from the dining room, “There’s a raccoon on the dorsum porch,” I innocently as well as unarmed ran to see. It was cute to lookout the curious creature amongst its dexterous paws, picking upwards as well as dunking the Canis familiaris nutrient earlier consuming it. In that moment, I was similar a tyke who sees a Canis familiaris for the get-go fourth dimension as well as cannot plough his gaze. I idea to myself, “I could lookout this affair for days.” Well, my promise was realized. The apparent one-time hunger- induced bravery of the coon transformed into a habitual as well as seemingly calculated consumption of my dog’s food. And so began the takeover.

I idea surely that alerting my Canis familiaris Wrinkles* (though old, she is still known for her toughness as well as protective nature) of the intruder would position a quick destination to the confident behaviour of the coon. H5N1 outburst of discover energy as well as a 2d of ferocity however, were non plenty to conk along the coon away. Rather than retreat, the coon whom I had spontaneously as well as wrongly named Razzo (that call has playful connotations), embarrassed me, my dog, as well as all canines yesteryear chasing Wrinkles as well as reclaiming the porch. To brand the whole province of affairs worse, Razzo eventually learned to opened upwards the door, wrestled a broom from my mother’s hands, as well as raised 4 immature inward the woodshed**. Throughout this display of impertinent behavior I remained naïve as well as eventually dismissed the happenings from my heed altogether.

Fast forwards ane month. I am living inward my novel even inward the urban centre of Cincinnati. From a third-floor balcony my married adult woman as well as I bask a prissy advantage indicate of the surrounding neighborhood. Aside from the urban centre squirrels as well as their shenanigans as well as the seemingly endless trouble of runners that exceed by, at that spot isn’t also much excitement on my street. Or that is what I thought. While sitting out at dusk ane calendar week ago, I noticed some cause on a rooftop across the street. Sure enough, it was a raccoon exploring the neighbor’s house. The domicile is non good kept yesteryear urban centre standards, but the coon seemed to notice it fitting.

After v minutes of fascinated observation I lost sight of the coon trotting on the sidewalk to the dorsum of the house. My heed had but wandered off into some idea of the next-door bed as well as breakfast’s landscaping when my eyes caught some motility inward the third-floor windows of the dilapidated house. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The raccoon was within the household amongst its belly to the window. It was reminiscent of an over-confident middle schoolhouse tyke mooning his friends through the library window, thinking the librarian wasn’t watching. Well, inward this illustration the librarian was non watching, but that to a greater extent than conservative classmate was. That classmate was me.

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After discussing the province of affairs amongst my wife, I idea it best to notify the vecino of her third-floor tenant. At the rattling least, I idea she mightiness last able to mash a picayune rent out of the freeloader. Before breaking the word however, I ran a background banking concern check on Mr. Raccoon (Wikipedia style), so as to actually empathise amongst whom I was dealing. I got to a greater extent than than I bargained for. The most striking data I learned was that the get-go recorded sightings of “urbanized” coons were inward the suburbs of Cincinnati! That insight led me to retrieve that maybe my vecino coon was a respectable tenant after all (perhaps fifty-fifty the longest established urbanized coon inward America). Regardless, I deemed it my Christian duty to state the matron of the house. She didn’t seem also surprised yesteryear the word as well as said that years agone she had a raccoon removed from the household to the wild. Maybe she was ok amongst the electrical current raccoon keeping a depression profile as well as her actions against the previous were exclusively those of whatever fair landlord adhering to the lease understanding – “No political party animals.”

As for me, I conception on watching my back, staying inward at night, as well as making millions of dollars off of the evolution as well as distribution of a coon-specific safety organization – “Ra-Coon-a Matata Security: It way no worries for the residuum of your nights!”

*That’s what happens when you lot permit a tyke call a pet. It is dark – “let’s telephone outcry upwards it Blacky!” It has especial coloration but about its eyes – “can nosotros call him Patches?” It has a spot on its fur – “how well-nigh nosotros telephone outcry upwards him... Spot?!” “Man, this Canis familiaris has as well as then many wrinkles ... Let’s telephone outcry upwards her Wrinkles.” I was 12.

**Though the presence of the mama coon’s “kit” (her litter of young), was exclusively suspected yesteryear my parents inward the early on stages, they still mightiness take hold been found deserving of PETA’s Compassionate Action Award. I suspect the snub was the resultant of ane of 2 things: 1) at that spot was no naked protestor or 2) it wasn’t endorsed yesteryear Bob Barker.

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